Blessings

In a world dominated by social media, it's so easy to get caught up in checking updates about people's lives. You look at photos, read status messages, analyze the status messages and convert them into feelings, watch video postings of people's original songs, make-up tutorials, baking and cooking tips and so many other things that you start to wonder how other people's lives seem so much more interesting than yours! At least that's what I think sometimes.

Anyways, I went back to work today after a very busy holiday and got home to a newly installed shower - just one of the many gifts that I got from my wonderful husband this past Christmas. It's a full-on SPA shower with the huge shower head that feels like rain and little jets that shoot water pretty much on all the hard-to-reach places of your body and a hand shower too!

I got to test it out for the first time and it was amazing! I then got to sorting out all the gifts that I got and just had an epiphany of how blessed I am. It's not so much that I got so many gifts but that looking at all the gifts I got, they all represent a piece of me.These are just the ones I got from my husband and I love them all!

The stocking stuffers were literally little things I may have mentioned on the side throughout the year and it was a wonderful surprise to find out someone took note of everything and there they are! There were even some that I forgot that I wanted for so long! To top it all of, he gave me a right-hand diamond ring! WHOA????

Yes, yes.. who wouldn't go crazy for a diamond, right? But it meant so much more because he knew that I missed the one that I had that my mom gave me because we got robbed years ago! How thoughtful is that?



Now, back to my point ( I think this was my point). Just when I think my life has not been eventful and probably boring, it has not been like that at all. On the contrary, my 2012 proved to be the year where things got made!

1. After what seemed like eternity, I finally heard from immigration and got my work permit last July.
2. When I thought that no one would possibly hire me after being domesticated for almost 2 years, I landed myself a job (2 jobs actually!) doing what I love to do (Training) just a month and half after I got my permit this last September. As a Filipino in Canada, this is BIG for me.
3. Again, an early Christmas gift from Canadian Immigration last December 18, I am finally and officially a legal resident of Canada. I am legit! (This means I can go back to the Philippines to visit my family!)
4. I had to say goodbye to our very young cat, Chase. It was painful and heartbreaking but I take time to remind myself that we gave him the best life and even though we didn't get to save his life, we get to save another life by adopting Joey. You can never replace a pet! It's traumatizing when you lose one that you sometimes ask yourself why even bother to get another one but the joy they give you is worth it.

These are just some and I know I still have so much to be thankful for. They all just happened so fast that I forget. So I am writing them all down to share it to my family and friends and to remind myself that my life is just as exciting because it's easy to forget when you're too focused on what's going on with everybody else's life.

Thank you for an amazing 2012! Here's to hoping 2013 would be even better!

Anticipation

Bago matulog.. habang tulog... at sa paggising.. iisa lang naiisip.
Kailangan DELICIOUS ako today!

Inilalabas lahat ng damit na pang-akit.. pili..pili ng ok para mai-display ang
katawang pangromansa "kuno" na madalas eh ikaw lang naman ang nakakapansin.

Sa jeep.. o cab man... babanat bigla ng joke si Lord.. ipapatugtog ang kanta na tinaguriang "theme song" na para bang nananadya.

Kakabahan bigla.. malapit na.. makikita ko na siya.
Parang matatae...butil butil ang pawis sa noo at dumidikit ang buhok sa batok.

Ayan na.. dumating sa pinaroroonan, hinahanda ang Peripheral Vision.
May shades na pang-bangaw look para lang di mahalatang nagsa-sight.

Pinagpapawisan ang kili-kili...nagiging pasmado bigla.
Kumakabog ang dibdib kasi alam mong dadaan na siya.

At dumaan nga.. nagkasalubong.. iwas tingin. Magpapanggap.
Tinitingnan kung mapapansin ka ba o hindi.

YES! Pinansin ako..."half smile" para cute.
Ayaw magpahalatang sobrang saya... baka isipin "easy"...

Upo sa workstation. Nagdadasal na may nag-email... umaasa..
sana may nagmamahal sa akin... nyek! work related lahat...

Tumititig sa telepono... akala mo may telekinesis na nag-uutos
na may mag-text o tumawag sa'yo.

Uy...nagyayang mag-yosi...to yosi or not yosi? Shemfre.. YOSI na ito!

Ito na.. labanan na ng sulyap tingin. Paramihan ng nakaw na titig. Tingin.. iwas.. iwas.. tingin. Minsan.. nahuhuli din.. kaya patagalan sa pagtititigan. Ang unang yumuko talo.

Ngiti... "show me the close-up smile!" Pang-kodak ito.

Balik workstation...post-yosi time analysis. Swak! Suwabe.. COOLNESS...."I am a love machine." Iniisip kung iniisip din ba siya... Iniisip kung pinagpawisan din ba ang kili-kili niya. Buti na lang... "secret" ito.

Pinaplano kung kailan mag-b-break. Tinatantya para makasabay sa pag-yosi ulit...
kahit na sa totoo di ka naman talaga nagyoyosi. Di alam ng madami.. pero iba ang binibisyo...

Uwian na... kaso alam mong ilang oras pa bago siya log-out.
Tambay ng konti...bonding with friends daw muna.

Nag-aabang lang pala...kasi gusto pang makita.
uy.... labas na siya... napasulyap at yun na. Sapat na.
"Hi".. "Hello"....

Uwi... bukas ulit.

Moments

Moments.. moments.. moments.. funny how we seem to either have none or too much of. Either way, i believe that our lives are truly indeed defined by moments. So??? Ano ngayon? hahaha... para sa mga may kilala na sa akin, am sure iniisip nanaman ninyo na nag-mo-moment lang ako ngayon at TOTOO!!! nagmomoment ako.. emote nanaman...nagsawa na rin siguro kasi akong tumitig sa lava lamp sa kuwarto ko habang nilalangaw ang utak ko kaya ito tinopak nanamang sumulat.

Madalas kasi kapag binabalikan ko ang mga lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko, bigla akong mapapatigil kapag natatauhan ako na totoo nga pala na ang mga pinakanaaalala mo eh ang mga sandali na sobrang nagparamdam sayo na buhay ka pa rin at tao kang nakikisalamuha sa mundo araw-araw.

Siyempre iba-iba yan... di lahat masaya. Andyan ang sobrang lungkot.. na maaari na nating tawaging mga "ala-ala ng lumipas na di na dapat balikan pa!!!" Mga panahon na akala mo eh talagang mabubuwang ka. Paano naman kasi... alam mong kahit ilang beses mo pa isipin at pag-aralan ang stratehiya na binuo mo sa utak mo, di pa rin talaga makakatuluyan si Brad Pitt. Ito ang mga pagkakataon na mauunawaan mo at makikita mo ang sarili mo na laging may kulang at lahat tayo eh naghahanap ng kung ano man para mapunan yung kulang na yon...

...Kaya naman nararanasan ang mga moments na tatawagin na nating.. "addict/praning mode". Ito ang mga moments na walang ibang nananaig sa utak at puso kundi takot. Paano kung hindi natin mahanap ang pupuno sa kakulangan.. ??? para tayong mga tigang na lupa na sabik sa halik ng ulan! Hindi mapakali!!! Laging mapapatanong, ito na ba 'yon? Ang buhay ba eh tungkol sa pagtanggap na hindi nga natin talaga mahahanap ang hinahanap natin? (hithit sa yosi tapos inom ng kape sabay kuyakoy) Ang mas nakaka-praning pa... hindi dahil bulag tayo kaya di natin makita at mahanap.. eh paano kung talagang ang hinahanap natin ay hindi totoo? In short... Ilusyonado't ilusyonada tayong lahat! Kaya nga addict mode... idaan na lang lahat sa paghithit ng marker! try niyo talaga pwamis! Asteeg!!!!

At dahil nga praning tayo.. dumadating ang mga alaala ng mga pagkakataon na tatawagin na lang nating... "Engot kasi ako mode" Ayan na... lahat na lang ng masisisi, gustong sisihin pero sa huli lahat ng panghihinayang eh tayo rin ang may dahilan. Mga walang kamatayang "sana"..."kung alam ko lang".. "akala ko kasi".. "sayang...." Kaya nga itong mga ganitong klaseng moments eh nalalaman din natin bilang mga alaala ng gustong balikan!!! At habang pabalik-balik sa utak, paulit-ulit ding pinangangalandakan sa sarili ang katangahan at kamangmangan!

Pero sa lahat siguro... ang pinaka-exciting eh ang mga moments na tatawagin na lang nating.."nakaw na sandali". Tuwing naiisip ko 'to.. lalo kong naiintindihan kung bakit naging epektibo ang titulo ng nobela ni Rizal.. na "noli me tangere". Bakit nga ba kasi ang sarap ng bawal? Pinag-iisipan ko talaga. Dahil kaya malungkot lang tayo? Dahil ba naghahanap lang ng mas exciting? Talaga bang thrill seeker lang ako? Dahil ba madaling magsawa ang tao? Ang daming puwedeng maging dahilan. Pero ang pinaka-masayang paglaruan sa isip eh.. ang katotohanan na baka ang tao di talaga marunong makuntento. Haayyyy....kailan nga ba talaga tayo makukuntento? Kailan ba titigil sa paghahanap? Ano nga ba talaga ang hinahanap ba kasi? Nakakalungkot... bakit ganon? Ang mayron ka rin naman ngayon eh ang mga bagay din na dati'y pinapangarap mo lang.. bakit napakadaling makalimot? Bakit ang hirap umiwas?

Bago pa ako malayo sa pinaka-tema ng blog na 'to. Ang gusto ko lang naman talagang sabihin eh... sa huli kahit na ano pang klaseng moment yan. Kahit na malungkot, masaya, masakit, malufet... ang sarap pa ring danasin. Ang sarap pagdaanan lahat. Nararamdaman ko na buhay pa rin ako. Nararamdaman ko na tao ako at kahit na madalas madaling magpakalunod sa trabaho...may social life pa rin naman pala ako. So ok lang.. keep 'em coming. Go lang! At least marami akong kuwento. Nadagdagan ang kasaysayan ng pagkatao ko. Tutal.. kapag tumanda na ako... kapag talagang tuluyan ng wala ng ibang magawa kundi magpalangaw ng utak.. at least marami akong puwedeng balikan... nakaw man o hindi.

gets niyo????

Advice

Ang di ko maintindihan lagi.. eh bakit ang dali daling mag-advise sa iba? Pero pag dating sa sarili mo... kahit na malinaw naman na nakikita kung ano ang dapat at tama mahirap pa rin panindigan at pangatawanan?

Sa buhay ko... ilang beses na naiisip ko parang walang nangyayari.. pero kapag iniisip ko yun, bigla naman akong bibigyan ng pagkakataon at maiisip ko naman...LORD!!! Masyado naman atang exciting ito!??!?! Lord talaga...funny ka ha. So eto nanaman... matatauhan ka, totoo pala na talagang lahat sa buhay ng isang tao bunga ng mga dinesisyunan niya. Oh but wait.. there's more... pati sa pagdedesisyon.. may dedesisyunan pa rin! Kailangan pag-isipang mabuti kung ano nga ba ang mas may bigat sa'yo? Ang totoo? O ang tama at dapat?

Kahit sa mismong pagdedesisyun pa lang sa magiging basehan ng desisyon ang hirap na. Sabi ko lagi sa mga kaibigan ko kapag nilalapitan nila ako sa mga ganitong pagkakataon... "strive for balance". Pero eto...naiintindihan ko kung bakit napakahirap hanapin ang lecheng "balance" na yan.. kasi ang tao ata by nature di balanced. In short abnormal tayong lahat! hahahaha.... Palaging may mas gusto at ang masaya diyan... yung gusto mo eh yung hindi puwede! Ang saya talaga ng buhay!?!?!?! So asan na???? Ang sarap ata humithit ng wasabi ng mga panahon na ganito! Ayos un.. diretso utak.. kahit konti makakatakas sa ingay at gulo ng nagsisigawan at nagbabangayan na mga boses sa utak mo. (Uy ah.. wag kayo mag-alala.. di pa naman ako humihithit ng wasabi... whiteboard marker lang!!! Preference: PILOT)

Gusto kong umalis.. gusto kong tumakas...gusto kong matahimik...Ayokong mag-isip... at nakakahiya mang aminin... ayaw kong magdesisyon. Iniisip ko siguro hayaan na lang magpadala, di kaya mas ok na lang yun? Pero.. ayan.. biglang umingay nanaman sa utak ko ang napakalakas na.. HINDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ang hirap talaga tumakas.. kung ang tinatakasan mo ang sarili mo.

So.. advice kamo? Ano yun?

Pera

Pera.. Pera.. Pera...Isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit no'ng kabataan eh nagmamadali ng tumanda. Nagfi-feeling kasi tayo na pagtanda natin...madali ng magka-pera. Ilang araw din ata ang iginugol natin sa kaka-imagine sa pagdating ng araw na di na natin kailangang humingi ng pera sa nanay at tatay para bumili ng Bubble Jug or Ouch! Sabay pramis pa na pagtanda mo eh.. magst-stock ka talaga ng chupa chups atsaka tootsie roll atsaka ng plastic balloon!!!! OH BUT NO! Di siya ganon kadali.. in fact.. nakakapikon siya! Ngayon naiintindihan mo na kung bakit sinasabi nila dati na aksaya sa pera ang candy.. aksaya sa pera ang plastic balloon, ang bubble jug, aksaya ang mga bagay na di kailangan. Ngayon nararamdaman na natin sa bawat galaw na lang kailangan maglabas ng pera. Madalas nangangarap na itina-tae na lang sana natin ang pera pero hindi. Masaklap pa eh.. tulad ko...tumae na ng dugo sa kakatrabaho ... ni bente-singkong duling na nalunok ko nong kabataan ko eh di ko pa rin nakita sa inidoro!

Oh well.. sad lang.. iniisip mo kasi dati na kapag may pera ka na.. di mo na poproblemahin ang pera.. pero bakit gano'n.. habang lumalaki ang suweldo.. parang lumalaki din ang problema ko sa pera? Minsan naiisip kong isuggest na lang bumalik tayo sa Barter system.. tutal marami na akong damit na di na kasya sa akin.. Magagamit ko sa pang-exchange..hahahaha.. Ano ba tong pinagsasabi ko? Psycho???

Wala lang.. feel ko lang mag-angst.. lately parang puro pera na lang pino-problema ko at napagpasyahan ko lang na tumahimik muna at mag-emote dito kasi baka matulad ako sa mga taong umiikot na lang ang mundo sa pera. Pero naisip ko rin.. baka isa na nga ako sa kanila.. Viscious cycle ika nga.. nagtatrabaho ako ng mabuti para magka-pera para hindi ko problemahin ang pera. Pera.. so trivial.. and yet.. so NOT trivial.

Pera.. pera.. pera... Bakit nga ba kasi kailangan pang mabuhay tayo sa isang mundo na pera din ang nagpapaikot..? Nakakalungkot talaga.. ok lang sana kung ikaw lang sa sarili mo namumrublema.. pero madalas...mga relasyon mo sa kapamilya.. sa mga kaibigan..pati na sa ka-ibigan na-aapektuhan.. nasisira dahil lang sa pera. Minsan mas nanaisin mo na lang na mag-isa..
Pera...pera.. pera...Ganito ba? Ito na ba yon? Nag-aral...ngayon nagpapagod.. nagsisikap.. vampire lifestyle pa!!! ... para sa pera? Gano'n? Huwag naman sana..

Regression

Phew!!!.. so the undeniably imminent reality of being once again a year older! Trivial.. so it seems. As a kid, I've always wondered why "adults" are not as excited and as happy on their birthdays. I used to think.. Birthdays are so much FUN!!! It's a day just for ME!!! Although I know there are other people who may be celebrating their birth on that day as well.. still, in my own little world this day is all mine!!! Hahaha.. I can demand for anything I want! So yes!!! What could be better than that? It's the day where you actually call the shots! And for kids, who for the whole of their lives as kids just follow what they're told, the power is intoxicating - euphoric even! You even have instant replays with slow motion of your parents telling you..."You can have anything you want on your birthday!!!"

At 23, turning 24 very soon... I think I may have an answer why people our age are not as ecstatic on their birthdays. (Now that I think about it, maybe it's just me.. but I hope not!!!) I may be wrong, but I believe that it is somehow related to the truth that we don't have anymore the "adults" to conjure up an illusion that this world actually stops for you on your birthday. Now, we get to be the "adults" and tell me if I'm wrong, but it sure is difficult as hell to project an illusion that the world actually stops for you, especially because you know of the simple fact that.. THE WORLD DOESN"T STOP.. for anybody.. at all. More often than not, your birthdays are slowly even becoming reminders of that! - that the world is moving forward, rotating on its axis as usual and now you are forced to look at yourself, where am I? What have I accomplished in my life? Am I happy with my life now? That sure was fast! What happened last year??? *shock* And so the other questions start popping and in quick surges too which should be enough to make your head spin. What happens next? The wishes to become young again become even more strong. Please.. why can't I be 10 again? Can we go back to me just telling everybody what I want and they have to do all the worrying of how to give it to me? Can I? Please? Please? Please?

A resounding "NO" - that's the answer. And this, i think may just be the reason why birthdays are not as worthy a cause to start celebrating. Yeah.. I can picture it already.. "WOOHOO!!!! Here's to me...for still not knowing what I want in life!!!" The picture is so hilarious, i could cry! AHA!!! and there it is again...the truth that we do "regress" sometimes not just because we want to go back to those times where our parents just give us anything we want... but really because, as kids, I think we did a better job in knowing what we want! As opposed to now.. who knows exactly? If before, we wanted barbie dolls, action figures, that new computer game, new shoes, new pencil cases!!! blah...blah..Now you hear people droppin' words like.. purpose, meaning, validation, success, happiness - love! When did we start wanting these??? And can someone please tell us exactly how to get them??? (Puwede??? Sa'n ba nabibili ito??? Oh but no... mahal pa yata!!! haaaayyyy....)

Regression can mean different things to different people, but for people like me, I'd like to think of it as an escape from the sometimes too harsh realities of life and living. I am guilty. Guilty as guilty can be. I baby-talk. I've fantasized numerous times of going out and bathing in the rain. I went back to the times, where I thought flood was cool because you have a swimming pool right on the streets! I eat all the junk food I want. And when the questions start popping, i sometimes slip into another state of consciousness.. and find myself mumbling.."Happy thoughts...happy thoughts... chocolates, rainbows, ice cream, hug ako ni mommy!!!" Despite all this, I can assure you.. I've not lost it. I am perfectly fine.

I am fine. And then it hits me... like a breath of fresh air and I am back again, standing where I was before regressing and .... I am fine. I am alive. I am trying and I am not giving up. The world is moving.. and so am I. I am moving. I stumble.. I do.. But I still choose to move forward. So again, there it is... I also found a reason why Birthdays are still worth celebrating! It's true, we are confused most of the time, exhausted, hurt, scarred.. but never beaten because we are still alive! After all, birthdays were not just meant to celebrate the day of your coming into this world.. but also to celebrate another year of being alive!!! Although some may feel like they're dead anyways, still... there are people who remind you of why you should still choose to live and go on.

So suddenly, being another year older is not so bad. Ok... there's that bit where we still don't know what we want!!! But then again, we do get another year to find out. And if God permits.. another year.. another year.. another year... and another year!!! And each year, we will celebrate because each year is drawing us near to what it is we're looking for. Some will take less time.. some will take more... but pretty sure.. we'll get there.. *wink*... and as for regression? sure.. every once in a while, just don't forget to bounce back. Always come back... the world is moving.. so should we. True.. it doesn't stop.. but if you find yourself nauseous.. head spinning.. remember to focus - there is always someone who will maybe not stop the world but who will slow down with you when the world is moving too fast. *smile*

Nostalgia

Ang friendster talaga madalas nostalgic.. iba pakiramdam pag tinitingnan mo mga pictures ng mga iba't ibang taong nakasalamuha mo sa buhay mo. Nandiyan na ang mga dati mong mga kaklase, kapit-bahay, kaibigan, ka-ibigan, kalandian, kalaguyo. Andiyan na rin ang mga feeling close, ka-isnaban, stalker, mga kamag-anak na huli mong nakita eh singutan pa, mga kontrabida sa buhay mo.. teacher mong may buhay din pala... lahat lahat na!!! Kung sa bagay lahat na naman ata ng tao ngayon ay may friendster na. Naisip ko lang kasi na habang tinitingnan ko ang profile nila.. view ng pictures nila.. check kung married na, in a relationship, o bading na pala.. naaalala ko pati kung ano ba kong klaseng tao nong mga panahon na nakaka-bonding ko pa sila.. hehe..

Andyan na ung.. siyet!!! ang loser ko pala nung grade school.. ang baduy pa ng mga suot ko no'n..Kasalanan lahat ito ni Madonna!!! Habang tinitingnan ko ang crush ko dati, naiisip ko din ano bang nagustuhan ko dito? Ang wierd talaga ng taste ko dati. Bakit ba nahilig ako sa mga taong malalaki ang ipin??? hahaha!!!! Meron din naman na habang tinitingnan ko eh.. Ang saya!!! Gusto kong bumalik!!! Para bang.. Lord, please??? Puwede po bang bumalik po sa childhood days??? Isasanla ko muna po ang mga responsibilidad ko... tutubusin ko na lang pag balik ko.. hehe.. Or in my not-so-better-self-mood, buti nga at nabuntis siya ng maaga!!! haha.. ang sama ko na talaga!!! Chismosa talaga ako! 'Sensya na friends.. just keeping it real.. at ngayon naiisip ko .. sana sino man un.. di niya mabasa ito!!!

Ano pa man ang mga naiisip natin.. iisa lang ang description..NOSTALGIC...there's a desire somehow to go back to a certain time or phase in your life especially when you remember those times as being the best ones in your life. Sometimes they may not even be the best but still they may have represented a stage in your life where things were simpler.. where life was simpler. And at my age of 23, which by the way is fun and cool in many ways, I still yearn for those times where everything was simple.. black and white.. no gray area!!!

Ang saya siguro kung bumalik ako ulit sa panahon kung saan ang pinakamabigat ko ng problema eh kung paano sabihin sa nanay ko na nabasag ko ung porcelain vase!!! At ang ibig sabihin ng sleepless nights ay excitement kasi di ka na makapaghintay na buksan ang mga christmas gifts mo!!! At ang stategy ay ginagamit at ginagawa para ma-diskartehan mo mga magulang mo tuwing hapon.. kasi ayaw mong matulog..gusto mong lumabas at maglaro!!! At ang kaligayahan ay mas.. abot-kaya.. hehe.. Ever wonder why being happy nowadays can require so much effort? Samantalang dati.. bigyan ka ng malutong na 10 pesos.. eh wow naman.. puwede ko ng bilhin ang lahat.. or at least feeling ko lang!!! hahaha..

When I daydream, I sometimes have this picture in my head of life being like a play station game where if you choose to.. you can simply load a particular stage of your life from a memory card!!! ASTIG!!! But of course we all know better.. it doesn't work that way. So we move forward and carry on. And yes.. after all my rants about nostalgia and all that.. my point is that maybe it is better this way. This way we can learn how to value each moment. And maybe we can't go back to those times literally.. but ah.. the power of memories.. very strong indeed. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that we won't have any severe case of Alzheimer's soon..

So ok lang.. in the end.. nostalgia may sometimes be too nostalgic for comfort.. hahaha.. but I'd still take it as it comes because it does bring me back nevertheless to those wonderful and not so wonderful times that allow me to set things in perspective which definitely gives me that smack in the head that I admittedly most of the time need to take notice!!! According to merriam-webster, Nostalgia "is a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition." So.. if you think about it.. nostalgia maybe just maybe screams.. take everything in before it's too late!!! :D :D :D