Regression

Phew!!!.. so the undeniably imminent reality of being once again a year older! Trivial.. so it seems. As a kid, I've always wondered why "adults" are not as excited and as happy on their birthdays. I used to think.. Birthdays are so much FUN!!! It's a day just for ME!!! Although I know there are other people who may be celebrating their birth on that day as well.. still, in my own little world this day is all mine!!! Hahaha.. I can demand for anything I want! So yes!!! What could be better than that? It's the day where you actually call the shots! And for kids, who for the whole of their lives as kids just follow what they're told, the power is intoxicating - euphoric even! You even have instant replays with slow motion of your parents telling you..."You can have anything you want on your birthday!!!"

At 23, turning 24 very soon... I think I may have an answer why people our age are not as ecstatic on their birthdays. (Now that I think about it, maybe it's just me.. but I hope not!!!) I may be wrong, but I believe that it is somehow related to the truth that we don't have anymore the "adults" to conjure up an illusion that this world actually stops for you on your birthday. Now, we get to be the "adults" and tell me if I'm wrong, but it sure is difficult as hell to project an illusion that the world actually stops for you, especially because you know of the simple fact that.. THE WORLD DOESN"T STOP.. for anybody.. at all. More often than not, your birthdays are slowly even becoming reminders of that! - that the world is moving forward, rotating on its axis as usual and now you are forced to look at yourself, where am I? What have I accomplished in my life? Am I happy with my life now? That sure was fast! What happened last year??? *shock* And so the other questions start popping and in quick surges too which should be enough to make your head spin. What happens next? The wishes to become young again become even more strong. Please.. why can't I be 10 again? Can we go back to me just telling everybody what I want and they have to do all the worrying of how to give it to me? Can I? Please? Please? Please?

A resounding "NO" - that's the answer. And this, i think may just be the reason why birthdays are not as worthy a cause to start celebrating. Yeah.. I can picture it already.. "WOOHOO!!!! Here's to me...for still not knowing what I want in life!!!" The picture is so hilarious, i could cry! AHA!!! and there it is again...the truth that we do "regress" sometimes not just because we want to go back to those times where our parents just give us anything we want... but really because, as kids, I think we did a better job in knowing what we want! As opposed to now.. who knows exactly? If before, we wanted barbie dolls, action figures, that new computer game, new shoes, new pencil cases!!! blah...blah..Now you hear people droppin' words like.. purpose, meaning, validation, success, happiness - love! When did we start wanting these??? And can someone please tell us exactly how to get them??? (Puwede??? Sa'n ba nabibili ito??? Oh but no... mahal pa yata!!! haaaayyyy....)

Regression can mean different things to different people, but for people like me, I'd like to think of it as an escape from the sometimes too harsh realities of life and living. I am guilty. Guilty as guilty can be. I baby-talk. I've fantasized numerous times of going out and bathing in the rain. I went back to the times, where I thought flood was cool because you have a swimming pool right on the streets! I eat all the junk food I want. And when the questions start popping, i sometimes slip into another state of consciousness.. and find myself mumbling.."Happy thoughts...happy thoughts... chocolates, rainbows, ice cream, hug ako ni mommy!!!" Despite all this, I can assure you.. I've not lost it. I am perfectly fine.

I am fine. And then it hits me... like a breath of fresh air and I am back again, standing where I was before regressing and .... I am fine. I am alive. I am trying and I am not giving up. The world is moving.. and so am I. I am moving. I stumble.. I do.. But I still choose to move forward. So again, there it is... I also found a reason why Birthdays are still worth celebrating! It's true, we are confused most of the time, exhausted, hurt, scarred.. but never beaten because we are still alive! After all, birthdays were not just meant to celebrate the day of your coming into this world.. but also to celebrate another year of being alive!!! Although some may feel like they're dead anyways, still... there are people who remind you of why you should still choose to live and go on.

So suddenly, being another year older is not so bad. Ok... there's that bit where we still don't know what we want!!! But then again, we do get another year to find out. And if God permits.. another year.. another year.. another year... and another year!!! And each year, we will celebrate because each year is drawing us near to what it is we're looking for. Some will take less time.. some will take more... but pretty sure.. we'll get there.. *wink*... and as for regression? sure.. every once in a while, just don't forget to bounce back. Always come back... the world is moving.. so should we. True.. it doesn't stop.. but if you find yourself nauseous.. head spinning.. remember to focus - there is always someone who will maybe not stop the world but who will slow down with you when the world is moving too fast. *smile*